


the fear of falling

by grumpeaches



Series: the heart is not a box [1]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: F/M, Falling In Love, Hurt/Comfort, It's mostly HideTou, Just tagging in case it's a NOTP for anyone, The other pairings tagged are only implied
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-27
Updated: 2016-02-27
Packaged: 2018-05-23 13:39:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6118135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grumpeaches/pseuds/grumpeaches
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"The heart is not like a box that gets filled up; it expands in size the more you love." — Her, 2013</p><p>Touka has never put much stock in love, especially since the people she loved seemed to have a nasty habit of leaving her. It takes falling in love (twice) to make her realise that love can make people believe in the impossible. (And sometimes, believing is all it takes to make it real.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	the fear of falling

**Author's Note:**

> Mostly canon-compliant, although I took a few liberties here and there, chronicling the development of Hide and Touka's relationship. Part of a larger hidetouken AU where they live happily ever after, because we all know that's not how the canon material is going to end.

She hadn’t meant to befriend him – it hadn’t even crossed her mind, in fact. They’re not strangers to each other, but she wouldn’t have considered them to be friends either. Putting aside the fact that she was a ghoul and he a human – natural enemies in the world order – they really didn’t have much in common… besides Kaneki, she supposes. If she had been capable of amusement then, she certainly would have found it ironic that the first time she meets Hide without Kaneki around would be right in front of a poster of said stupid boy (the common denominator in both their lives).

He asks her what she’s doing at Kamii, and she hates that she feels self-conscious when she tells him that she’s here to check the campus out because she’s thinking of applying. He’s silent for a moment, simply observing her, and she feels so exposed, so  _naked_  under his knowing gaze, that she has to bite down the natural urge to snap at him. He makes her feel like her reason for choosing Kamii is plain to see, and she’s irritated by the irrational paranoia that he knows just how many of her decisions revolve around Kaneki lately. But if he’s aware of her pining for his best friend, he doesn’t tease, his face merely lighting up with a smile as he offers to buy her a cup of coffee.

“It won’t be as good as the ones you make, though,” he quips, and Touka notices the slight hollowness of his eyes, and thinks that he may be the one person who understands her the most at that very moment.

She acquiesces, because spending time with Hide is really no different from slipping into one of Kaneki’s shirts that he’d left at the cafe, as she tended to do once in a while. He is another piece of Kaneki that had been left behind; he is Kaneki’s best friend. So, with her own selfish reasons, she lets Hide buy her a cup of coffee, all the while wondering what his motivations were. She had known Kaneki, but it wasn’t like she had been someone of importance to him like Hide had been. She had just been his––

His what? His co-worker? His friend?

She refuses to let her mind define her relationship with Kaneki as anything more intimate than friendship.

It’s surprising easy to talk to Hide – she’s not a chatty person at all, but he manages to make up for her lack of social ability without making things awkward. In fact, if she’s being honest, it’s kind of nice, talking to him like this. He tells her all about Kaneki, and their misadventures growing up, and then he tells her about student life at Kamii and promises that he’d help her with her studies if she ever needed him to. She has no plans to – despite the traitorous part of her mind that tries to convince her of how nice it would be to have Hide keep her company as she studied – but she thanks him for it anyway. (She also tries not to think about how she technically hadn’t said no to the offer, and what that might possibly mean.)

When they part ways, she finds herself watching him as he disappears on his bicycle, only turning away once she can no longer make him out in the crowd. It’s only when she’s back in her room that she realises that she feels much lighter than she had in the past weeks since Kaneki had left.

She wonders if she’s allowed to hope that she’ll see Hide again.

She  _does_  see him again, less than a week after that encounter on campus even. But this time it isn’t a mere coincidence. He drops by Anteiku, claiming he needed a caffeine boost before class, and ordering a mocha to go. She’s happy to ignore the fact that he spends well over an hour chatting with her from where he sits at the counter, and the class that he should have gotten to would surely be over by the time he actually arrives school.

“I should probably go,” he says, even though he makes no move to leave, “Can’t afford to skip too many classes in one day.”

He’s only teasing her, she knows that, but she whips up another drink to-go for him anyway, and tells him it’s on the house – an apology for keeping him from his first class.

“I can tell you’re going to be bad for my attendance record,” he says with a chuckle, and the implications of that coupled with the way his hand brushes against hers as he takes the paper cup from her make her knees weak (in an uncharacteristically girly manner that makes her just a little bit annoyed at herself) and all she can do is brace herself on the edges of the counter as she watches him leave.

She won’t admit (not to herself, and definitely not to any of the other staff at Anteiku) that she’s been waiting for Hide to pop by again, but she thinks maybe the way her gaze flicks over to the door every time the bell chimes gives her away. Nishiki’s eyebrows raise halfway to his hairline when Hide walks in and offers him only a brief greeting, before walking over to the opposite side of the counter where Touka is. But the surprise is quickly replaced by mischief, and Touka mentally reminds herself to make a copy of Nishiki’s shift schedule to give to Hide so that he’ll know when he shouldn’t show up. (Naturally, she ignores the fact that she’s assuming that his visits will become a regular occurrence.)

She’s indignant at first when Nishiki grills her about her new friendship with Hide, familiar threats of pain and violence spilling from her lips. But then she goes quiet, contemplative, and Nishiki stops prodding, letting her take her time to find her words; because Touka is loud and brash and sometimes silent but never quiet.

“He loves him too.” She knows Nishiki could have made fun of her for that little slip of tongue, and he probably will in the future, but right now he’s quiet too, waiting for her. But she doesn’t say anything more. All the options sound wrong to her – saying she misses Kaneki less when she’s with Hide makes her feel like she’s betraying the boy by finding companionship with his best friend while he’s gone, but saying Hide makes her feel closer to Kaneki would imply that she was simply using Hide, and that wasn’t fair to him, nor was it true… Was it? It might have been the reason she agreed to his company the first time, but she isn’t quite sure when she’d come to enjoy the time she spent with him, even after she’d stopped using him as a crutch to deal with Kaneki’s absence.

She doesn’t say any more, and Nishiki doesn’t ask. “Be careful,” he just says, “He’s breakable.”  _He’s human _is implied, and she knows that there’s no hidden malice in it – not when he’s in love with a human himself.__

Hide continues to show up at Anteiku, sometimes missing class to spend time with her, sometimes only to grab a drink and go. They develop an easy camaraderie over the visits, and even as Touka berates herself for letting him take root in her life, it’s hard not to return his smiles with one of her own.

“If you’re not going to buy anything, then I’m obliged to tell you to leave,” she says as she slides into the seat across him.

“We can’t have you hogging a table and our prettiest waitress’ attention all the time!” Koma calls out from behind the counter, and earns an eyeroll from Touka in return.

“I’m leaving!” he calls out with a grin, and her heart stutters in her chest when the grin is suddenly directed full-force at her. “Any plans after your shift ends?” His voice is softer now, grin widening at the small shake of her head. “Great! Meet me at Kamii? I’ll bring you to the library and you can study there while I work on my paper.”

“Okay,” she agrees, “The same benches as before?”

He’s already halfway to the door. “Uh-huh!” he yells over his shoulder, and then he’s gone.

She’s not sure whether to be happy or disappointed.

One study session becomes two, then three, then four, then five, and Touka’s grades steadily improve with Hide’s help. Eventually studying and school work start to take up less time during their meetings outside of Anteiku, until they are abandoned altogether. Movies at the theatre turn into movies at his apartment, and while she hesitates to label their relationship, the way he knows when to reach for her hand when she needs his support, or the way she curls up next to him during a movie marathon and lets herself fall asleep with her head pillowed on his shoulder make it impossible for her to define Hide as just a friend.

She’s dozing a little during a Lord of the Rings marathon, half focusing on the way he has his arm around her and rubs little circles onto her shoulder, half wondering where the hell she thinks she’s going with all of this. She’s so distracted in fact, that she entirely misses the whispered sentence that slips past his lips, and he has to repeat it again for her.

“I joined the CCG.”

Just four words, and the blood in her veins turn to ice. She almost jumps off the couch in reflex, but Hide is stronger than he appears, and even though she could break free of his grip if she really wanted to, his resistance helps to bring her back from the initial shock. She has to play it cool, because it’d be so much more suspicious if she threw a fit about him joining the CCG and then cut off all ties with him, right?  _There’s that other option_ , a small voice in her head reminds her, and she remembers the promise she’d made to Kaneki almost a lifetime ago. (“ _If he finds out about us, I_  will  _kill him_.”)

“Don’t worry–” She wants to snort at the thought that he thinks she might be worried about him (and maybe she is, but fear for herself and her family back at Anteiku is taking priority at the moment), but then his next words stun her all over again. “I’ll keep Anteiku safe, I’ll keep  _you_  safe.”

_Oh god, he knows._

And then she’s torn between laughing and crying because joining the CCG to protect her is so  _Kaneki_  of him, and she feels an odd sense of déjà vu.

“So you’re going to abandon me, just like he did,” she hisses, finally pulling away from him, because she’s  _upset_  and she damn well wants him to know it.

“I’m not leaving your side,” he replies, so earnestly that she yearns to believe him but she’s so afraid. “I’ll stay with you, and they won’t suspect you, or Anteiku.”

“But what if they do?” Her volume raises and she’s aware that she sounds hysterical, but his calm demeanour feels like it’s mocking her. Doesn’t he understand that he’s playing a dangerous game? “They’ll use you to get to me.”  _And it’ll work_ , she adds mentally.

He doesn’t seem to be able to deny the truth in her words, but he doesn’t relent either – he’s upright as well, and there’s a hardened set to his jaw that lets her know that his mind is made, but she’s not done yet. “I’m a ghoul, Hide! A monster, a  _murderer_. Risking your life to protect mine – it’s not worth it, don’t you get it?”

“Touka…” He reaches for her, and she gives in, because she’s so tired of fighting all the time, and maybe that’s the reason why she was drawn to him. Hide is human, he’s supposed to be untouched by the ghoul world, he’s her quiet place in her world of madness. But now he wants to throw it all away and jump headfirst into her darkness, and she’s afraid of losing him.

“I’m tired of losing the people I love,” she mumbles into his shirt, the crux of the matter finally brought to the surface. It’s her fault, she supposes, for not learning. Everyone she’s ever loved in her life have left her, so she really should’ve known better. She feels like she’s doomed him, carved his fate out for him, by falling in love with him.

“You said Kaneki left to become stronger… to protect you,” he murmurs into her hair, breath fanning lightly over her ear. “I understand why he did it.”

“He loves you, and he wants to keep you safe.” The words make Touka wince – she’s tried so hard to be angry at Kaneki, because anger is so much easier to deal with than heartache, but now she can’t run from the truth any longer. “ _I_  love you, and  _I_  want to help keep you safe too.”

“You’re stupid,” she says, because if she can’t stop him then at least she can let him know what she thinks of his plan. “Both of you.”

His mouth slides over hers, and the kiss tastes of tears and longing and apology.

She comes to enjoy his kisses – of course it helps that they stop tasting of tears after the first one. (She doesn’t think they’ll ever learn to stop kissing without longing and apology though, not as long as the world they live in continues to try and drive them apart, all  _three_ of them.)

She stops by her apartment after her shift at Anteiku to pick up a literature book when she realises how  _empty_  the place is. The old Touka would have panicked and hauled all her stuff back from Hide’s place, but the new Touka is tired of being a coward. She’s not even sure when she’d become a different person, but she thinks maybe she’d never noticed till then because it happened over time and not all at once. It started with Kaneki, continued with Hide, and now Touka would finish the last stretch. She’s spent so much of her time running, putting distance between herself and other people.

 _It’s time for me to be brave_ , she thinks, and then she uses the distance as a running start to leap right into the arms of the unknown.

“I’m your new roommate,” she announces, arms full with a box filled with the last of her things from Anteiku.

Hide merely grins at her, and she’s fascinated by the ease with which she can interpret the various quirks of his lips. The current grin means he’s about to say something ridiculous that she’ll be mad – for a full five seconds – at him for. “Are you going to pay rent?”

She pivots on her heels, barely makes it two steps to the front door before a pair of arms come around her, grabbing the box from her arms. She yelps indignantly, but by the time she’s whirled around to confront him, he’s already placed the box on the ground and picked her up instead. His lips cover hers and he swallows any protests on her end; not that it takes her long to become pliant in his arms.

“I love you,” she whispers into the kiss, just this side of desperate. “I love you, I love you, I love you.”

The words escalate into a feverish murmur, cutting off abruptly only when she tastes salt on her lips. She’s only half surprised when she touches her face and feels the wetness on her cheeks. Hide doesn’t push her for anything, settling them on the couch, leaving his hands free to cup her face, thumbs brushing over the tear tracks left behind.

“I’m so scared of losing you too, of getting hurt again,” she confesses, eyes closed as she lets the warmth from his palms ground her. Her eyes flutter open after a few beats, lips pulling up in a small, sad smile. “I think I ran out of brave.”

And then the tears are back and he’s kissing her but now he’s the one gripping her tighter to him than usual and she understands. He’s afraid too.

“You’re the bravest girl I’ve ever known,” he tells her later, when they’ve finally settled down past the hysterics, curled around each other on the couch. “You can get through _anything_.”

She feels like there’s more to his words than she’s understanding, that he knows something she doesn’t.  _Stop being paranoid._  They fall asleep like that, and when morning comes, the strange weight of his words feels like a dream. She almost convinces herself that she had been imagining things.

Sometimes Hide’s work with the CCG keeps him busy, but she distracts herself from worrying about him by studying for the college entrance exam, something she hadn’t been very productive at ever since that first fight. He had started off as an excellent tutor, but while his presence had merely been comforting to her in the beginning, now whenever they were together, she itched to reach out and initiate contact (and she very well couldn’t study classical literature  _and_  Hide at the same time).

It’s on one of these days that Yoshimura calls her up, tells her that Hinami has to move because Anteiku is about to undergo some renovations – she’s distracted by a particularly tricky calculus problem as she hums in reply, remembering the manager mention renovations a week or two ago – and asks if she could accompany Hinami to the new apartment Yoshimura had set up for her. Her answer is yes, of course. Even if she hadn’t been itching to get a break from the constant studying, she would always make time for Hinami.

The new apartment turns out to be a place in the 14th ward, with too many rooms for one teenage girl. The girl in question tugs at Touka’s sleeve, and in a small voice, asks her to stay the night, and Touka couldn’t have refused even if she had wanted to. She excuses herself to make a call though, and Hinami just nods and curls up on the couch.

“Hey.” Hide’s voice is slightly muffled, and she can make out faint voices in the background; she imagines him in the corner of his office with a hand cupped over his mouth and the receiver.

“Sorry,” she starts, her voice lowering to a whisper unconsciously to match his, “Bad time?”

“Mm, but don’t hang up, I missed you.” She hears someone on his end whistle, and he’s laughing, telling his colleagues to mind their own business. “You don’t usually call when I’m at work though, is something wrong?”

His tone is still light, but she can still hear the underlying concern in his words, and despite the oddness of having a human worry about her, it makes her smile. “Nah, just calling to tell you that I’m spending the night at Hinami’s new place so you don’t freak out when you get home and I’m not there.”

“Okay, but you be safe, okay?”

She actually lets out a chuckle at that, leaning back against the couch from where she sat wedged between it and the coffee table. “That’s supposed to be my line, idiot.”

“Am I not allowed to worry about my girlfriend now?” She can almost hear the pout in his voice, and it’s endearing, but she’s more caught on his choice of word to describe her – _girlfriend_.

She’s about to point out that he’s never actually properly asked her out, but someone calls for him in the background, and he mutters a swear under his breath. “I’ve got to go but ah– I love you, okay? Don’t forget that.”

 _Don’t forget that._  It sounds a little odd and out of place, but she tries not to dwell on it. They’re both new to loving people the way they love each other, and Touka herself has days where she whispers the words endlessly as she presses kisses against his skin.

“I won’t,” she reassures him, “I love you too, don’t you forget that either.” The line stays connected for a few seconds more, and she knows without having to see him that he’s smiling, before the dial tone starts ringing in her ear.

Her attention falls on Hinami again, who had managed to fall asleep during Touka’s phone conversation. There’s a fond smile on her lips as she brushes the younger girl’s hair back from her face, familial love blossoming in her chest. She tries not to think about how close she is in age to her brother, because then she’ll start thinking about how she failed him – because Ayato should be as innocent as loving as Hinami, not the murderous ghoul with a reputation amongst both ghoul and humans alike. His abandonment still stings, but she thinks she could learn to live with it if he comes home, comes back to her. But their paths had strayed the moment she had decided to live by Yoshimura’s ethos, and she doesn’t think anything short of a great tragedy could force them together again.

_Maybe it’s better this way…_

Still, when she closes her eyes, she dreams of a little boy who clung to her dress and followed her everywhere she went.

It’s dusk when she wakes up, and Hinami is still fast asleep. There’s a blanket draped over her shoulders, and her eyes scan the apartment until she spots Yomo in the kitchen, putting packets of meat away in the fridge. Yawning, she turns the television on, the silence of the apartment starting to unnerve her. There’s a ghost of a smile on her lips, wondering when she’d become fond of constant noise surrounding her. (She fully blames Hide for this, of course.) But then the words the news anchor is saying make her heart plummet –  _a raid on the 20th ward is set to commence; all civilians have been evacuated._

 _You can get through_  anything.

_I love you, okay? Don’t forget that._

She doesn’t even register moving until she’s at the front door, her path cut off by Yomo. The news is still reporting the upcoming raid, and all she can think is that  _Hide is there_  and she can’t lose him too, not like she lost––

Touka knows she’d told Kaneki not to return to Anteiku (there isn’t a single moment when she doesn’t regret those words, in wakefulness or in sleep), but she also knows that Kaneki is comparable to a modern day Atlas, willing to carry the weight of the world on his shoulders even if it breaks him. He’d disregard her words in a heartbeat if he felt he had to go back to protect everyone, the self-sacrificing  _idiot_.

“Where are you going?” Yomo asks, and Touka wants to scream, wants to just push past him and run because they both know where she wants to be.

“Anteiku is…  _Anteiku is…_ ” Something in her seizes. Beyond losing Kaneki, losing Hide, she’s about to lose her home too, part of her family as well. “I have to go!”

“If you go now, you will die.”

There’s something annoyingly calm about his tone, and she sees red at that. “So it’s okay for Koma and Irimi to die?” Her voice crescendos unsteadily, and she pushes Yomo out the apartment and steps out herself before shutting the door behind her – Hinami doesn’t need to bear witness to her meltdown. “You know Kaneki’s going to be there too! And Hide, oh  _god_ , Hide…”

Her legs give out on her, and she barely registers the jolt of pain as her knees smash onto the ground. Yomo kneels down, his face moving into her field of vision once more, even though his figure is blurred by her tears. “I know it’s hard. I want to be there too. But they’re doing this for us… to give us a chance to keep going.” Although his volume hasn’t changed, his words are much softer this time, and Touka chokes back a sob. “They’re telling us to live on.”

She’s not quite sure how to live on without them, and she tells Yomo as much, although she can’t even be sure that he’d managed to catch her broken whisper. But then she feels his hand on her head – the gesture is so reminiscent of her father and she allows herself to be comforted by it.

“We can only live while we lose.”

Touka wonders if he really thinks it’s possible to keep living when she’s lost almost everything (and everyone) she ever loved.

Two days later, she answers the door only to find a CCG employee at her doorstep. She tenses, both in anger and in fear, all too ready to kill again for Hinami’s sake. But then she realises that she senses no hostility from this man, only sorrow and regret. For a whole five seconds he doesn’t speak, and she’s confused, until she remembers that the CCG (or Hide’s department at least) is fully aware of Hide’s relationship with Kirishima Touka, the _human_  waitress who once worked at Anteiku.

“Hide,” she murmurs to herself, and her gaze jerks towards the man at her door, eyes hopeful until she remembers the apology reflected in the man’s own eyes. “For a moment there, I thought you’d come to tell me he was alive, but that’s not why you’re here, is it?”

“I’m sorry for your loss, miss,” he says, and he’s so sincere that she wonders briefly who he’s lost. He hands her two envelopes, and she takes them from him, puzzlement clear on her expression.

“Before the raid on the 20th ward, everyone who was going to be involved were given the chance to write down a goodbye letter of sorts to their loved ones,” he explains, as Touka clutches the envelopes to her chest, eyes closed as she imagines Hide’s fingers ghosting over the paper. “Nagachika penned you down as the recipient.”

She stays like that for a moment, memories of her time spent with Hide washing over her and leaving a bittersweet aftertaste. When she opens her eyes, the CCG employee is still there, and she feels her face heat up at her open display of vulnerability. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay… It’s not easy– losing someone, I mean.”

“You would know that, wouldn’t you?” The words are blunt, but not spoken unkindly. “You must have lost quite a few co-workers, friends even, and here you are, watching me grieve over one man.”

She watches as surprise colours his face before his expression settles on something a little more wistful, although he offers her a smile. “I work in the same department as Nagachika did, and it was easy to tell when he was texting you – his face would just light up. It sounds really cheesy, but it’s true, I swear.”

Touka laughs at that, and she finds she doesn’t mind that her laughter is watery with the threat of tears. “What I’m saying is,” he continues, as she tries to regain her composure, “he loved you very much. I’m sure he’ll tell you the same in that letter.”

Her attention falls onto the envelopes she still holds against her chest, and her fingers merely tighten around the pieces of paper, though she’s still careful not to crumple them completely. “Thank you,” she says, finding with some surprise that she genuinely means it, “I wish you all the best.”

“You too, Miss Kirishima,” he acknowledges the parting words, head tipping forward in a small farewell gesture. “Take care of yourself now.”

She only lets herself fall apart once he’s gone and the door is firmly shut once more.

It takes her another two days to even pick up the first envelope, carefully tearing it open with trembling fingers. Then the letter is in her hands, but she hesitates to unfold it, swallowing around the lump in her throat.

_If you’re reading this… well. You’re probably pissed off, aren’t you?_

She laughs despite herself, because Hide has always been good at making her laugh when she least expects to. And she’s still unbearably sad, but the chokehold around her heart seems to have loosened again at his familiar tone.

 _Maybe I have a death wish, but I think you’re really cute when you’re angry. Oh shit, is it too soon to be making jokes like that? Although technically I did write this before it even happened… I know what you’re thinking_  – what an idiot, this is a written letter so he can just cancel out any insensitive remarks or even start over.  _Well, I’m afraid I should apologise because I have no intentions of writing you a nice, polite goodbye note. That’s just too impersonal, don’t you think? And not like me at all. I do have things to apologise for though, don’t I? I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about any of this. You’re angry at me for keeping you in the dark, but you’re angrier at yourself for not realising what was going on sooner. I know you. And I want to tell you – don’t be._

_You can be angry at me all you want, I know what I did was unfair to you, but please, don’t ever blame yourself for my selfishness. I thought that the world needed to have someone as beautiful and amazing as you in it, even if it meant I couldn’t be in that same world. I could never live in a world without you, but now I’ve made you have to go on without me and I’m sorry. But I regret nothing. I would give my life for yours again in a heartbeat, because I think you deserve to live. You’ve been fighting all your life – I just wanted to do the fighting for you this time, to give you the chance to keep on living without having to keep fighting. And now I’ve become another name on the list of people who have left you, haven’t I? In an ideal world, I would never leave your side, but the world isn’t perfect. I’m content though, as long as you have the ability to keep going._

_I told you that you can get through anything, remember? You can get through losing me too, my brave girl. We’ll see each other again someday, but until then, I hope you’ll live on. If I’m allowed to ask for one more favour, it’d be for you to live my share of life too. I’m yours, forever and always. I love you so much._

She reads the last paragraph over and over again until she can barely see the words through the tears. Panic shoots through her for a moment as she tries to wipe the moisture away before they ruin the letter, and she swears her heart stops as a stray drop manages to escape her fingers and lands on the paper– then laughs when the ink remains free of smudges because  _of course_  Hide would have thought to use waterproof ink. But with her laughter come more tears, until even she’s not quite sure when the laughter had turned to sobs.

When Yomo comes home, he finds Touka fast asleep at her desk, curled around the letter as if it were Hide himself.

A month later, Touka stares down the mess that is her worktable. It’s organised mess, she tries to tell Yomo, but he’d had none of it, which brings her to her current predicament – wondering where to even  _begin_  to clear her desk. With a resigned sigh, she starts to pick out her school books first, placing them on the floor and out of the way.

She gathers up the few scattered sheets of various college application forms, when her gaze falls to an envelope sitting innocuously on the surface of the desk. The CCG logo catches her attention, and she realises that she’d never gotten around to opening the second letter handed to her that day. She places the college application forms aside, picking the envelope up and turning it over in her hand, as if that might give her a clue as to what its contents are.

Resolute in the fact that it couldn’t possibly be worse than Hide’s parting letter, she tears the envelope open, immediately unfolding the letter within. It’s an official letter from the CCG, offering their condolences for her loss. She rolls her eyes at herself for having worked herself up for nothing, and is about to replace the letter in its envelope when the first sentence catches her attention once more.

_It is with our deepest regret and condolences that we must inform you that Nagachika Hideyoshi has been declared Missing in Action._

_Missing in Action._

Does she dare hope?

 _Yes_ , she thinks,  _Yes I dare_. Even amongst many humans, ghouls remain nothing more than a myth, a ghost story meant to scare children into obedience. But Touka herself is evidence of the impossible – a flesh-eating monster masquerading as a normal human being. Until she knows for certain that Hide is dead, she resolves never to stop searching for him.

Understandably, Yomo and Nishiki both think that grief has driven her over the edge. They don’t say anything, but the way they exchange looks over Touka’s head is telling enough. She’s exasperated, ready to launch into a spiel about how she is in the right mind, and that they need to stop treating her like she might break (even if some days she finds herself wondering if maybe she is made of glass after all). But Yomo cuts off her rant, agreeing to helping her search, in that quiet manner of his, and she’s momentarily left reeling for words.

“I don’t believe that you’ll search for him for the rest of your life. You’ll give up eventually.” The words make her bristle, but there’s no real anger. He  _had_  agreed to help after all, and there isn’t any condescension in his words, his tone matter of fact. “Either we find him, or you accept his death. But no matter the outcome, you’ll find closure.”

Touka hopes wholeheartedly that they find him, because she’d much prefer to find closure through happiness than heartbreak. Nishiki compiles a list of unidentified patients admitted around the time of the raid at hospitals in the 20th wards as well as its surrounding wards, and Touka visits each patient whenever she manages to find time between studying.

She begins to understand why Yomo had been so sure that she wouldn’t be able to keep up her search. She thinks maybe a little bit of her faith chips away every time she’s led to a patient that isn’t the man she’s looking for. She has to take a break after a while, citing the nearing college entrance exams as an excuse and throwing herself into her studies. Nishiki helps her with that too, and even though he’s prone to calling her stupid whenever she makes mistakes, studying becomes easier with his guidance.

The day she gets the letter with Kamii’s seal on it in the mail, she runs straight to the university campus, without even opening the letter. She finds Nishiki easily enough, knowing the spots he frequents from all the times he’d brought her to Kamii to study, and she almost laughs because he looks as apprehensive as she feels when he spots her.

“I didn’t dare to open it,” she admits, holding the envelope out to him.

She’s vaguely familiar with a few of his friends from her time spent with them, even though she’d been hunched over her work most of the time, and they offer her encouragement, insisting that she’d gotten in. Nishiki shushes them as he takes the envelope from her, and tears it open carefully, so painfully slowly that Touka has to resist the urge to snatch the letter back from him. He exchanges a troubled look with one of his friends after scanning the letter, and she finds she can’t breathe.

“I’m sorry…” He starts, and she chews on her bottom lip, determined not to cry even as her heart sinks in her chest. “You’re going to have to see me more often now, shitty Touka.”

Her gaze flicks up to meet his, and she feels an overwhelming desire to punch the shit-eating grin off his face. Instead, she surprises herself by hurling herself at him, clinging tightly to him in both relief and happiness. There are choruses of cheers from his friends, but she only hears the whispered  _I’m proud of you_  from Nishiki’s lips as his arms come around her too. She wonders if this is what it feels like to have an older brother, and the ache for Ayato comes so suddenly and unbidden. She tightens her grip on Nishiki, finding herself smiling as he returns the pressure.

Later, when they’re alone, he tells her that he and Yomo had never stopped searching, even when she had. It brings tears to her eyes again, which Nishiki is uncharacteristically willing to ignore. They’d completely exhausted the original list, but he’d found one more unidentified patient that was admitted within the plausible timeframe, only the hospital was completely outside of the radius of the search.

“Wouldn’t hurt to look, I guess,” she says, even though they both know how much every false lead hurts her, “Where is it?”

“The 14th ward.”

There’s silence for a moment. Touka ponders on the odds of Hide having been so close to her the entire time, and almost laughs because despite herself, she’s getting her hopes up again.

“This is the last one,” she declares, and Nishiki regards her with some surprise. She shrugs in response, “Yomo was right. I can’t hold onto that tiny shred of hope forever – I have to let go.”

Nishiki nods, then gives her the hospital’s address. Which is why two hours later, Touka finds herself at the entrance of a hospital on the outskirts of the ward they now lived in, freshly showered and changed. It’s been a while since she’d last done this, so the nerves come full bloom as she walks up to the receptionist and enquires about any unidentified male patients that might have come in almost four months ago.

“We  _do_  have an unidentified young male in the coma ward actually,” the receptionist tells her after a quick search, “They’ve been hoping that someone might come to identify him actually. Please take a seat, a nurse will come by to bring you to the patient soon.”

Touka nods, thanks her, before taking a seat at one of the plastic seats lined up against the wall. She’s all nervous energy, and she wills herself not to throw up, because she’s pretty sure regurgitating human remains on clean hospital tiles is a one-way ticket to Cochlea. Thankfully, the arrival of the nurse prevents her from dwelling on that particular scenario, and she immediately stands up to follow the young woman.

She’s led to the coma ward, and even though the nurse holds the door open for her, Touka can’t seem to bring herself to move from the hallway. With understanding in her eyes, the nurse steps back out into the hallway, soft hands gripping Touka’s shoulders.

“Nervous?” She asks, and Touka is grateful for the opening to release some of her worries.

“Yeah,” she replies, testing her voice. Her mouth feels dry, and her tongue darts out to wet her lips. “I’ve been searching for so long… I know I can’t keep living like this, so I told myself that this would be the last time. If that’s not him in there…”

She can’t bring herself to finish the sentence, unwillingly to voice the possibility that she might have to accept that Hide is dead, that Hide is  _gone_  and never coming back. There’s another reassuring squeeze on her shoulders, and the nurse’s hand finds her. She’s taken aback by the gesture, but appreciates the solidarity, and lets the nurse know as much by squeezing her hand lightly.

She’s led over to the bed at the far end of the room, and she pauses when there’s only a thin curtain separating her from the mysterious John Doe. The nurse lets go of her hand, giving her a nod as she reaches out, fingers closing over the fabric of the curtain and swiftly pulling it open.

She sees familiar blond hair, and she notes that the hospital gives him routine haircuts because the length is the same as she remembers, except more of his dark roots are showing. She almost thinks she’s going crazy, that in her desire to be reunited with Hide she’s imagining him lying in a bed that someone else is in. But she reaches his bedside, and knows without a doubt that it’s him when her hands find his. He’s warm,  _alive_ , and she brings his hand up to her lips, kissing every fingertip, every knuckle. And then she’s reaching for his face, audible sobs slipping past her lips as she traces the familiar contours of his face.

“It’s you,” she breathes, “It’s really you.”

She falls onto the edge of the bed, hunched over him almost possessively, nose pressed against his neck. The smell of antiseptic is biting on his sheets and hospital clothes, but she only nuzzles closer, sighing contentedly when she finally catches a whiff of the scent she’s so familiar with.

It’s only when she pulls back, fingertips brushing his bangs out of his face, that she remembers that she had company. But when she turns, the curtain surrounding the bed is drawn once more, this time with her enclosed within, and the room is quiet. She takes it as permission to stay, and so she slips under the covers with Hide, adjusting his position so they could lie together in bed the way they used to.

“I got into Kamii,” she whispers, nudging at his shoulder with her nose. “I just opened the letter earlier– well, shitty Nishiki opened it for me, but the details aren’t important. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is… you better wake up soon, then we can go to school together.”

There’s still no movement from him except the rise and fall of his chest, but Touka finds comfort in the steady rhythm. “Boys might hit on me if you’re not there. I mean, I guess it doesn’t really matter because I’d set them all straight, but… okay, so, maybe I just want to show you off a little. Can you blame me? You’re an amazing person – you’re smart, you’re funny, you’re popular.”

“I still think I’m a monster, that I don’t deserve you. But I also know that I’m selfish, and I’m not strong enough to stay away from you for your own good. It’s partially my fault that you’re here, and now that I know you’re alive I should really just disappear and never come back… but I can’t do that. That’s another way we differ, I guess. You loved me enough to leave me. I love you too much to let go.”

“I missed you,” she concludes, pressing a kiss against his collarbone and letting her eyes flutter shut as she basks in Hide’s presence once more. “I love you.”

For the first time in far too long, Touka wakes up happy, a feeling that only intensifies once she’s gained her bearings and remembered who she’d slept next to. She drops a kiss against his forehead, wishes him a good morning before telling him that she has to go, with promises that she’ll be back.

She manages to catch Yomo before he leaves their apartment (she’s not quite sure what he does, but she trusts him enough not to demand to know every detail of his life). “We’re opening a café,” she tells him, straight to the point and without any preamble.

Yomo’s brows furrow just the slightest bit, but the expression is far from disapproving. “And why are we doing that?”

“Because we found Hide.” He may not have been in the greatest condition at the moment, but he’s  _alive_  and even though Touka might not believe in miracles just yet, she definitely believes in Hide. “And we need a place for our boys to come home to.”

The use of the plural doesn’t slip by the older man, but instead of calling her out on it, he merely drops his hand on the top of her head once more. “I trust your intuition, manager.”

She’s smiling as she nods, but her eyes are hard, determined. “I have faith in him,” she announces, and her tone of voice makes the statement absolute, “He will return. They both will.”

She’s learned that sometimes the things you lose will come back to you – because some things, once you love them, become yours forever. But until her lost boys return, all she can do is keep living.

_We can only live while we lose, after all._

**Author's Note:**

> Posted on tumblr as well (grumpeaches), if you feel like showing some support on there.


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